I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
