is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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