It's Friday. Sex?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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