drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
