He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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