Taylor Swift is so right about you.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
