i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".