I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that