i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
