My friends, they love my intelligence
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
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Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
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i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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