No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
