sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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