I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
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It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I have fence marks all over my body
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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