dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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