why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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