I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
