I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
We are two peas in an std pod
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
