if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
