there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
