If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
