My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
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If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
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