Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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