doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
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I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
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How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona