Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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