The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face