I'm going to jail i love you
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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