So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
