i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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