toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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