I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
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