The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
