Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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