No stitches, just platelets and will power
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
