I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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