So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
