were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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