i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
