Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
