cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Even my vagina gasped.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
