You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
