Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
