The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
