i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag