So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.