I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
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The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
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You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work