see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
