They should really pass out barf bags in church
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
