I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Bring me that man meat
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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