It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
