I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize