all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'm always down for nudity.
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