Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
My pussy is not your playground.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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