I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Randomize
