Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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