Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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