Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
