Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
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I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
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Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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