god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
