Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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