im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
