i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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