??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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