What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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