I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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